True Tales of Revenge
The Case of the Disappearing Sandwich
“I’m the type of guy who would give you the shirt off my back if you needed it. I always try to do the right thing where other people are concerned. Although this incident happened many years ago, I wonder today if I went too far in the revenge. I think about it once in awhile and although I would never think of doing something like that now, it still brings a smile to my face.”- Anonymous Submitter, Age 42, USA.
When I was in college, I had a part time job at a department store in town. This was in the days before Walmarts and Targets were on every street corner. It was a fun job and there were some very nice people who worked there, but being a shy, awkward guy of 19, I often got taken advantage of.
Why I Wanted Revenge
I lived with my mom in a 2 bedroom house in town. She was an amazing woman and a great cook. She always made sure I was well fed. My favorite was her “Day After Meatloaf” sandwiches. I brought them for lunch whenever she made meatloaf. Funny, I was never a hot Meatloaf fan, but I always enjoyed it cold in a sandwich. I used to douse it with garlic powder. I know that doesn’t sound all that appetizing to most of you, but I didn’t have a girlfriend, wasn’t expecting one anytime soon and I didn’t give a shit what my co-workers and customers thought of my breath. I did chew gum, afterwards.
At work, there was an assistant manager that was the biggest asshole on the face of the earth. His name was Kyle. I won’t mention his last name, because if he’s still alive he would probably sue me. Kyle ran most of my shifts and even though he was only a couple of years older than me, he was my boss and made me do all the shitty jobs. One night someone pooped all over one of the men’s room stalls and although there were three other guys on the floor that evening. I was the one called to clean it up. My shyness (and not so good looks) made me an easy target for bullies.I was used to it, but this guy was going too far. One night I got fed up with Kyle’s shit (literally) and on the following Monday, I stopped by to see the store manager and made a complaint. He knew Kyle was an asshole and he told me not to worry anymore. He would take care of it. Which he did.
I Hated That Asswipe
Kyle left me alone from that point on. But, he would give me dirty looks and he told everyone in the store that I was a rat and had gone to the boss to complain. My co-workers stopped speaking to me, because they feared getting a spot on Kyle’s shit list and didn’t want any trouble.
I noticed the first lunch missing on Friday.
We had a refrigerator in the employee lounge (which was a 12×12 room, with a fridge, a rusty sink, a sparking microwave and a Coke machine that stole every other quarter) and although it always had an odor from the depths of Hell, was the only place to keep your lunch or dinner cold, while you slaved away on the sales floor.
It was 6:05pm when I punched out for lunch and I was starving. I walked into the lounge and directly to the fridge and held my breath, (it had become a habit), so I wouldn’t smell the foul odor, and started looking through the dozen or so brown paper bags for my lunch. It wasn’t there.
WTF? It was there 3 hours before when I came in, it couldn’t have disappeared. Had someone taken it by mistake? Had someone taken it on purpose? If you’ve ever worked retail, it could be either scenario,
It Happened Again
After 3 more sandwich thefts and attempts at threatening my co-workers by hanging “Don’t Steal My Lunch” signs on the fridge, I had finally had it. I had to do something to catch the lunch thief. Mine was the only one missing.
Revenge is Mine
I Made My Own Meatloaf Sandwich
As much as I loved Mom’s famous meatloaf sandwiches, I knew I couldn’t bring them to work anymore and leave them in the fridge, until the Lunch Bandit was caught. After speaking to a couple of friends to get their revenge ideas, I decided to go with my friend, Zack’s idea.
His idea for revenge?
I make my own sandwich.
It’s a little gross, so if you’re eating, you may want to click away now. You’ve been warned.
1 old Tupperware container
1 stick from a tree in the yard
10 tbsp. garlic powder
4 leaves of Iceburg lettuce
1 large deli roll
1 plastic sandwich bag
Drop your pants, squat over the old Tupperware container and shit liberally
Add the garlic salt. (takes away the smell)
Stir and mix well with the stick.
Apply generously to one side of large deli roll
Cover with ketchup
Place lettuce on top of everything
Top off with top half of roll
Place in plastic sandwich bag.
It was another Saturday and I went off to work with my revenge lunch-and a smile.
When I arrived at work, I punched in and headed directly to the lounge to put my lunch away. I was shaking, I was so nervous. I had never done anything like this before in my life.
There it was. Top shelf to the right, next to someone’s leftover spaghetti and marinara. My name showing prominently on the bag in black marker.
I was scheduled to punch out for lunch at 7pm that night. I couldn’t wait! Turns out, I didn’t wait long.
A Shitty Thing to Do!
About 5pm, I was up at the front of the store stocking the candy bar display. All of a sudden, one of the cashiers went running towards the back of the store. As she ran past me, she grabbled me by the arm, almost pulling me with her and said, “Something’s up in the break room. I gotta check it out!”
Could it be? Had someone, perhaps eaten the forbidden fruit?
There was a small crowd gathered at the break room door by the time I got back there. Even though I had a good idea of what happen, had someone eaten my lunch, I wasn’t prepared for exactly what I saw.
The Crime Scene
The sandwich lay on top of one of the break room tables, with the neatly unfolded plastic wrap beneath it. One clean, (and quite large) bite had been taken of the sandwich.
Directly below the table, was a chair that had turned over. It was laying in a large pool of puke. Next to the large pool of puke were several smaller puke puddles. I’m no detective, but if I had to make a guess, I would say that somone had gotten sick.
Sandwich Thief Caught
It was at that point that one of the stock kids came to the lounge and yelled out, “Kyle’s really sick. He’s in the men’s room covered in puke!”
Before he could finish the sentence, one of the cashiers who had left her register to see what was going on in the break room, slapped her hand over her mouth and vomited into it. Everyone else ran out screaming, or just completely disgusted by what they had witnessed.
As much as Kyle was a piece of disgusting shit, I would have never believed an assistant manager would steal an employee’s sandwich.
I never saw the store manager as upset as he was after having to come in to lock up the store on a Saturday night. Kyle had gone home sick. I never saw him after that. Word spread around that he was so embarrassed by projectile vomiting all over the break room, he couldn’t show his face in front of anyone. Rumors had also spread that someone had “spiked” Kyles sandwich with some kind of poison. If they only knew.
The mess? I cleaned it up with a couple of the stock kids and made sure I rewarded them with an extra 15 minutes on their break. I also cleverly made the lunch bag bearing my name disappear in the trash. No way this was going to come back on me. Kyle wasn’t going to say anything.
A week or so later, I was offered Kyle’s former job. It was a nice thing for the manager to do, but I was in school and this was a salaried position.
So, to end this tale, I will simply recite one very famous phrase that you should always remember.
“Don’t ever fuck with someone’s food.”